There is a lady I have seen a few times in our Doctors surgery. She has a special needs child. We have exchanged smiles and nods, she seems lovely. I really want to chat with her. I don't know anyone in my area with a special needs child and would love to have a friend close by who 'gets it'.
I am afraid though that the words 'Will you be my friend?' will burst out of me and I will look like an idiot. That question works for children but as an adult I need to be more graceful. After all, she might not want to be friends! I also need to be considerate because her child is visibly special needs, mine is not. She may be offended that I am approaching her on this basis when she may not be able to immediately recognise that my child has special needs.
Jean from Planet Outreach started this wild rumour recently 'there is more to life than autism'. While I know Jean is telling the truth, it is a truth I am having difficulty coming to terms with. In the last 6 months, since HRH was diagnosed with autism, I have found that our lives are taking a very different course to that of my 'old life' friends.
I am not complaining here, but I find it increasingly difficult to be with people who feel sorry for me and say things like 'you have it so hard, I feel sorry for you' or 'you poor thing, you have so much on your plate'. I need to be able to talk with people who understand I am not complaining when I let off a bit of steam. Everyone lets off steam, it just happens that what I talk about has a scary name, autism. At least, it seems to be scary as far as most people are concerned, but it's not, I promise.
I am so lucky to have my Facebook friends, an online support group for parents of children with autism. I met up with some of the Mums earlier this week. I had only met one of these Mums in person previously. It was lovely to just sit down and chat with these women. I felt like I had met them all before and it was so relaxing. I am still enjoying the glow I got from just that few hours.
It was meeting them that has convinced me I should approach the lady in the Doctors surgery the next time I see her.
So back to this lady then. I suppose it doesn't really matter what comes out when I open my mouth, it is more important that I just do it. I might try waving the PECS folder about a bit first, in a white flag kind of way. I must remember that she may not be as
Has anyone any suggestions of a line I could use that is a bit more grown up than 'Will you be my friend?'
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28 comments:
I think it is a great idea that you go up and talk to her. Just introduce yourself and your son and maybe mention that you have seen her here before and wanted to say hello. Maybe ask how old her child is and what his/her name is. Hopefully the conversation will flow from there. I have been in your shoes before and never did go up and talk to the mother. I wish I had.
Good luck and keep us updated!
It is something I am absolutely dreadful at. Maybe that's why I don't have many friends lol. So follow my advice (even though I don't follow it myself): take the plunge. Go and talk to her! I'm sure she will be delighted to be your friend.
How lovely to meet fellow facebook friends :)
I would just go for it! Even if i have something planned to say in my head it somehow dosnt come out of my mouth!!
Good luck
Would it be inappropriate to open a nice bottle of merlot in a GP's surgery???
Love the new look and am insanely jealous!
P.S thanks for the mention...sometimes i almost believe it myself XXX
When you figure it out, let me know! :)
I'm very bad at this myself, I'm the one who sits on the edge of the circle in gymboree class pretending to play with my baby while the other mums compare notes. But I must say that in the past when people have approached me I have been thrilled. The fact that she has smiled back at you shows she would love to talk. Go for it and let us know how you get on x
Just ask her what is her little boys name....
Anon, I already know the little girls name but actually I never thought of pretending I didn't, think thats called not being able to see the wood for the trees :D Jen.
Maybe just start with the basics, a smile can work wonders and help initiate conversation. Ask what the child name is or what age is he and see where it goes from there, I wish you luck and hope you make a new friend. xx
Just say hello and go from there! 10 years ago I was sitting in the Kine's office (a type of OT/physio in Brussels - trying to keep Murray from screaming, crying and pulling my hair out - the Mom opposite me had a child with real obvious disabilities and she spoke little English (and I speak very bad French). Anyway, we began to talk and 10 years later and two countries apart we are still the very best of friends, have always made time to meet up, have so enjoyed our kids mutual successes and cried together at the sometimes not quite so successful moments. Go ahead and take that first step - you'll not regret it!
- Fiona
Jenn, You should totally go talk to her! Maybe you could just sit near her and just introduce yourself. That's the first step. You don't have to wear a sign that says your son has special needs, she will figure it out or ask, probably. If you show interest in her things will fall into place, I am sure! Good luck!
great site, embrace life in its great variety
I'm with Clive - just start with hello! If you two hit it off then you're sorted, and if not then at least you've given it a try. :)
It's hard to make friends in general anyway, even harder when you have a child with special needs - a lot of people just don't know what to say about it.
I bet you she has been wondering the same about you... ;)
I like Jean's idea of opening a bottle of wine - anyone that did that for me would become a instant friend!! ;)
I wish I knew what to say , I still feel like I'm new to this whole 'making friends' lark. My blogging friends are who i consider to be my friends - I really need to get out more!!
Please let us know how it goes when you approach her , I would wish you luck but you dont need it. xx
Thanks for all the comments. I do know I have to do it, I will regret it if I don't. Getting the feedback here as just made me more determined. I am mainly worried about offending her if I do a verbal upchuck rush of nonsense lol, hopefully all the comments will encourage others to try it if they find themselves in the situation:) Jen.
Jen, I had a good giggle at the thoughts of you going up to some one and saying 'Will you be my friend'... What about the old fashioned conversation starter about the weather. Works every time for me. This will then always lead onto something else and so goes a conversation. I got into a taxi the other day and the first thing he said was 'That day doesn't know what to do', all of a sudden we were talking about holidays and when he went away his grown up kids put on the heating and forgot to put it off. He came home to a €630 heating bill..... Ouch!!
I know it's a cliche but the weather is a great opener...
Me and you would never have met up if we hadn't made the move to chat online. :-)
Go for it. Nothing ventured etc... XX
True Elaine, but you also know that saying 'Will you be my friend' to someone is exactly the kind of thing I would do lol.
Ok, I will make a deal with you. I have been reading your blog for quite a while now and never had the courage to comment. I have learned so much from the honest and gentle way to put the issues forward, yet I have always been afraid that I would say something silly. Much the same as you are nervous to approach this lady. So, as we are of similar mindset and I have now, finally, commented, you should go and talk to this lady. You are already on nodding and smiling terms, she may also be trying to find a way to open up a conversation.
I always find wearing a sash and bowler hat and doing my secret handshake helps break the ice - oh wait, that's the Freemasons...
Um, If this was a parent of a child the same AGE as Rory, what would you strike up a conversation about?
Look for the "not-special needs" aspect - do they both wear Ben 10 hats? or does he have a Spongebob t-shirt or Bob Shorts? Whatever ever it is, say "oh my Rory used to be obsessed with that, and watch what happens.
Believe it or not, I am not friends with everyone in Ireland who is from New Zealand and Australia.
(I also don't know your cousin from Clare who lives in Perth so please don't follow me into the disabled toilet to ask me that and fail to leave while I am unzipping my jeans)
But I do know what it is like to recite the scene from Toy Story where Sid blows up his Kommando Karl doll. And I think other parents might know how this feels too.
So look for that - and worry about the other commonality later. xx
Why not bring a couple of toys with you next time that might interest the little girl and see if she wanders over or offer them and then you have a conversation opener. Best of luck!
Hi,
My eldest has huge special needs and I'd love to have a friend like you! T is so obviously SEN (cerebral palsy, epilepsy, autism and severe learning difficulties) that people tend to shy away. I love it when people introduce themselves by talking directly to him - sort of saying hi to me by talking to him. Most people don't even want to look at him so it is lovely when they do. And I love them! But don't ever say to me...'You are so lucky to have him! He is a gift from God. I'd love a child like that' as someone said to me this week!
A
Yeah...just go for it Jen. Say "hello" and take it from there and like Hammie says start with the non-special needs topics because the SN aspect will soon follow.
You can do like FRAN above just has.....she didn't have to courage to comment here before so she just went for it:-) Nice one Fran!
xx Jazzy
You've had some great advice already Jen but all I'd say is that she probably feels the same. Initially the SN thing is probably not the best opener, you're looking for someone who you feel will be on the same wavelength as you rather than someone with whom you only have SN in common with.
In light of alcohol probably being banned from the surgery (why?), why not try the random approach. Smile and acknowledge and then make a random comment about anything...if you've bought a newspaper use a newstopic, or the latest celeb saga if you're into that, or how cold it still feels and you can't get HRH to wear his gloves....anything at all. Often it's the starter that's the hardest thing, everything else will follow.
Good luck chick x
Go for it, girl! i met a lady in our local shop a couple of weeks ago who had a liitle boy who I had a feeling was Aspie (he asked me how old i was an did i live in a house too!!!) and when I said to her "I have a little boy just like him at home!" we exchanged knowing looks and a silent acknowledgement! Now whenever i see her we say a cheery hello, but she knows that i know that she knows that i know!!!!
Go for it, worst come to the worst she may not say much........ which leaves room for u to have a gret chat!! Have a ood stiff coffee before hand too!
What's the worst that can happen?
I love to know how this turns out. I've found just start by saying "Hi." And start asking her questions, people love to talk about themselves and are happy when they believe someone is truly interested in knowing them.
I am usually a little too forward. I would just say, Hi I'm Jean, this is my son who is on the Autism spectrum. I see you here often and figured it was time to say hi!
And isn't crazy how our lives completely change after having kids, then completely change after our kids get diagnosed? I have to say though Jen, it has been, Holy COW, about 2 years since my son was diagnosed, and it DOES get easier. Well, not the day to day life, sorry, can't help you there, but the life revolving around Autism does get better.
Hi Jen,
I just want to write you a message in case you didn't see my replies to your posts on my blog at the madhouse.
You must think I'm a nut case! But I have another friend called Jen who I knows reads my blog and she is also an ASD mum. She has 5 kids and 3 of them are on the spectrum. We have known each other years which is why I'm such a smart alec to her. You must think I'm so rude! So sorry about that.
BTW - great post! I have been reading your blog for a while now and it's wonderful. I think you should bite the bullet and talk to the lady at the Doctors office too - she's likely feeling the same way you do.
Oh and.....I'll be your friend! lol
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