First born makes his First Holy Communion on Saturday. This is such a big day for him. He has been preparing for it in school all year, he is very excited. Our plan is to attend the church for the ceremony. Afterwards we will go to the school where there will be a party for the children. Then it is back to our house where the extended family will join us for food and fun.
That sounds great, I hear you say. Yes it does! We are looking forward to it.
We have decided not to bring HRH to the church for the ceremony. Autism, Sensory Processing Disorder and hot, crowded, loud churches just don't mix well. We decided not to risk it because:
1. This is a big day for Firstborn. He deserves to have the full attention of both parents for the ceremony. He rarely gets this kind of attention and should on such a special occasion.
2. Mr LS and I can relax and enjoy Firstborns' big moment. We won't have to get stressed about HRH, sensory overload and
3. HRH gets to stay at home in his own comfortable environment. He will get to do the things he always does on a Saturday morning while my friend minds him.
So, you see, it is the perfect solution. It is practical and sensible. Above all, it is stress free for every single member of the family. Yes, we have made the right decision, there can be no doubt of that.
So why does it feel wrong?
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30 comments:
Awwww Jen, it's ok. Don't beat yourself up. I agree with you but I am sure it doesn't make it any easier.
BTW... you can use any of the stuff on my ipad post you want,ok. I would love any good apps you have....my email is faithann04@att.net
I think it feels wrong because as mothers we expect far too much from ourselves.
I personally think that you have made the best decision possible and I would do exactly the same thing in your shoes.
As hard as it is to admit, Firstborn, probably does miss out on a being the centre of attention and I know my kid's feel the same way at times.
But having said that, I do understand you feeling awful about the decision......
It's called having a mother's heart :)
Yup, this is hard. I always have a hard time with this too. I always used to feel that Gracie should be with us, no matter where we were or what we were doing. Then, I realized that she doesn't like what we are doing. It is okay to leave her at home when she doesn't enjoy what we are doing. I also realized that Caleb is a child and that he deserves to be able to do fun things, with a mom who doesn't feel guilty. He is worth it.
That being said, it is so very hard sometimes!
Aww Jen. Don't beat yourself up about it. I'm sure Firstborn will understand. I know I will be faced with something along those lines when Noelie asks why Marie spends saturdays and sometimes sundays away. It's tough to have to exclude one for the other.X X
Don't feel guilty. You are making the best decision for all concerned. I am sure HRH will have a wonderful time at home doing his normal Saturday things. Enjoy the special day.
It feels wrong because it's not how you imagined it to be. But it is how it is! And you are absolutely doing the right thing. You know the struggle I went through after deciding that Button shouldn't make his communion - just because it's right, doesn't mean it's easy xx
Jen, please don't feel guilty, it's not wrong. Relax and enjoy the day with firstborn. Think how happy he is going to be having all this undivided attention from BOTH his parents!! Big wow for him... HRH will be happy and not stressed, that's his big wow. His mammy and daddy will not be stressed, big wow for you and Mr LS.. Happy days all around. I'm sorry I can't be there to see all this un-stress.... lol. Enjoy
I think you're doing the right thing sweety. I do that with Zack sometimes too, just so he can feel like he's the one getting attention to himself at times. I figure Max gets most of my attention a lot of the time, so he won't mind. :) xx
Firstborn will be delighted and enjoy his day and I recon he'll be even happier knowing his brother is ok too. He understands and I'm sure he'll be delighted to have ye all to hiself too!!!!
See u Sat.
(I stole the name from Gorgeous Grandad!!)
It sounds like it was a really tough decision for you Jen. I don't even bring mine to Mass on Christmas Day now, cos it's just too stressful. Every family is different, and you've thought this through so carefully. I know it's not what you were hoping for, but I really hope that you enjoy the day you have planned xx
i too done this and you know what it felt wrong at the time but i know now that it was oh so right for luca, he would have hated it and kyra would have wanted to be the one to cuddle him and then thats her day ruined. he will enjoy the rest of the day and you will too AS A FAMILY xxxxxx its not wrong its putting the needs of all your children first
HAVE A GREAT DAY xx
Having faced a similiar situation, and made the same decision, I completely understand where you are coming from. Hugs.
No way should it feel wrong, I totally understand your reasons. I have taken Amy to church about 3 times in her life and as you say, autism and church really don't mix well. You are quite right to give your oldest that special attention. It is a special day and he deserves it. Have a wonderful day. I'm sure you will, all of you.
CJ xx
It's a difficult one, there is no right or wrong answer but as you said each child at some time needs to feel a bit special. I heard on the radio about a Barrettstown for sisters and brothers of cancer patients, that they also need sometime to feel special as sometimes the cancer can dominate the whole family. I hadn't thought about it until I heard that. Don't beat yourself up, and enjoy the day! I have a communion of a cousin as well this Saturday x
It is a toughie for you - you probably want nothing more than to have your whole family together on a special day like that. If you believe HRH will be happier in his own environment, then you're doing the right thing by leaving him at home but I know that doesn't make it any easier for you or the rest of your family because you probably don't feel complete if HRH is missing? Will he be able to join in with you for the afternoon? Hope you all have a lovely day on Sat and hope the sun shines x
Don't beat yourself up Jen, as the others have said, you're doing the right thing.......it just ain't ever easy being the mum of an ASD child is it? x
Is it because you feel HRH should be part of the big day because that is what families do? (and poss deep down u hope everyone would cope?) However - in my opinion you are giving both children an important lesson in that you are treating them as individuals and respecting them. i am sure you will all have a wonderful day - and the fact you are having the celebration in your house later encouraged everyone to celebrate. i hope you all have a brilliant day
My theory as to why you think its feels wrong is that in a ideal world he should be with you all, but its fairer to him not to put him through something you know he would not cope with. You are doing the right thing for him and you, it sucks though:(
totally doing the right thing, and you can all go on a family walk or picnic on Sunday and celebrate first born's entry into the holy world as a full family that way. St Francis is our saint of choice and we worship him every day when we walk with our kids in the hills and glens. You can keep your hot stuffy god house!
xx
In exactly the same situation this year and last Jen. My eldest made her communion last year and we didnt even have a diagnosis then and we still made the decision to leave Matthew at home... why because churches drive him crazy, he cant stay still that long and the sound system seems to amplify and hurt his ears.
I knew that then before I even knew the reason for it and decided that it was fairer for her, my other son makes his communion in 2 weeks time and the same will happen, its the one time his Gran happily minds Matthew as she feels just as uncomfortable in churches as he does!
So no sad feeling about it, family life is complex and we have to bend and go with it for the best of everyone.. Hope you all have a lovely day!
We did the very same for Sorcha four years ago, Murray stayed at home with a friend. It was the best decision ever and you know four years later he could manage her Confirmation and an hour and an half in the church no problem. So do what feels right for you and your family at the time and remember things do improve and change with time. At Sorcha's Communion - we had her lunch in a local hotel and booked a hotel room so Murray would go there and get away from all the fuss and noise at the table. Again, a cousin helped out and took him to the room - it worked well and was certainly well worth it and a good idea at the time. The very best of luck with the Communion - hope the day goes well for you all.
It feels wrong because he is part of the family. And on joyous occasions we want everyone close to us to celebrate and take part along side with us. You may even feel bad that because your HRH isn't like neurotypicals, decisions like these must be made. (It's not fair, is it.) You may feel bad now, but your post says that you ultimately know it's the best thing for HRH AND your Oldest. Just hang on to that and when it's all over I'm sure you'll feel much better about your decision.
We had this situation last year.
We had Big Brother's confirmation on Fri evening, followed by Big sister's communion on the Sunday.
We decided not to take Bob to the confirmation, and it was by far the best decision.
We got brave for the communion and took him, but my brother was on stand-by beside me to extract him if needs be. He was a handful, and in retrospect I think we should have left him at home that day too.
You're doing the right thing.
XXX
I think you are doing the right thing but I do understand how you feel. But it is not like HRH will be sitting at home longing to go to the crowded church, he will be quite happy. And your firstborn will be happy too.
Lots of my friends with NT young children left them with babysitters - for the same reasons. If my youngest had been a bit younger I would have left her at home ...but at nearly 4 I couldn't use the baby excuse, instead she drove us mad as sitting still is not her thing!
Enjoy your day..it is very special. And remember you are a fab mum doing your best for all your kids...they are lucky.
Well, the hour is upon us now anyway:) Thanks for the comments, I think it is probably just the first big family occasion has crept up on me. I could well end up wondering why I didn't leave Her Cuteness at home too!! :) Jen.
You are doing all of yourselves a favour by making sure each of you does something that works. Have a lovely day, you will forget about that bit in a while and it gets easier to make the adjustments required.
Hope HC goes well - try not to break your heart - you know it'll be better for HRH - why don't you do something fun with him after the Holy Communion.
Have tagged you for an award over at mine.
BNM
I hope everthing went well for you today
You definitely did the right thing even though it must have felt difficult x x
I know what you mean - we did something similar a couple of weeks ago. We were going to meet my mother and sister in law in Istanbul for a family celebration, and in the end, we decided I would stay home with our 7year old son, as he requires a lot of attention when we travel and it wouldn't have been fair on anyone to take all the attention away from them. But he did miss seeing his family, and they missed seeing him. Sometimes there just isn't a perfect solution and nothing is going to feel right. You can just hope that you chose the best of the two. And in your case, I'm pretty sure you did.
I totally get it! I always feel the same way. Just know that you are doing what is right, for each of your kids. Even though it doesn't "feel" right to you, it is the right thing. For all of you.
I take the boys to separate gymnastics classes so that I can have alone time with each of them. Then we go to free play at the gym place on Tuesdays and all 3 of us play together. It is the perfect balance for us.
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