He was giving HRH his bath. HRH was screaming like it was torture. To be fair, it probably is torture to a child with autism and sensory processing disorder, but it has to be done nonetheless. Her Cuteness was standing on the bottom step of the stairs, rattling the stair gate with all the strength her 14 month old body could muster. She was complaining loudly that she was missing out on the 'fun' upstairs. She does not like to be left out of anything, be it fun or torture.
I didn't mean it of course. Actually, it was a ridiculous thing to say because I experience separation anxiety when I am away from my children, especially HRH, for just a few hours. I am fine about being away from my neuro-typical children, I know they will be fine. HRH is a different story.
He is the reason I stopped working. When he was 6 months old, long before we knew he had autism, I went to put his name down for the local creche. I got a tour of the fabulous purpose built facilities and looked at them with horror, knowing my second son would never settle in. By the time we got to the babies sleeping room I knew, just knew, it wasn't for him. Bear in mind my eldest son had been to a creche for four years and loved it so I wasn't being over protective here. I genuinely felt he would not settle away from me as he was such a sensitive baby.
I explained this to a friend who said 'there is always one who needs you more'. I was happy with that explanation and it calmed me a little. It is ok for children to be different and it is ok for one of them to be more sensitive than the others. About a year later we suspected he had autism and that probably increased my tendency towards separation anxiety.
I find it hard to leave him, even for just a few hours. I do manage it for two very good reasons though: 1) I need me time and 2) I need more me time! Still when my special needs toddler stands at the window sobbing 'Mama Mama' it takes great determination on my part to reverse out the driveway and keep going.
You will be glad to hear that I persevere because I do know that I need a break. I am always happy to get home again. Maybe that is the point, that I get away often enough to be glad when I am back with my children again. I think I like that logic.
Very occasionally, I get home, hug them all and then wish an hour later that I was still out. How's that for progress?
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32 comments:
This is so true!! I believe I am guilty of saying something quite similar to my hubby. We sure love these kids of ours, but a break is so good for all of us.
thats Beautiful!!
Thanks So Much for Sharing! :)
So understand where you are coming from as a mother to twins and elder sister to a brother with severe Autism (no speech, extreme special needs), Its very important to try to make time for yourself. Great post xx
Sounds like you are making huge progress! Great Post!
Bless you
I've said this to my husband a few times even though I wouldn't have things any other way ;-)
x
I could have written this myself, probably not as well as you have though!
Can I come?????
You've put into words exactly how I feel some days. Lovely, honest post xxx
so true! Absence does make the heart grow fonder, I like to stay away just about long enough to miss them!
yep im with tazz, absence makes the heart grow founder, but ud never take me with u next time please. Before butterfly`s diagnoses, i used to go out twice a month and went away for weekends every few months, but now i cant seem to tear myself away, i think im due some me time pretty soon....tnx for reminding me......
Great post, know how you feel about leaving HRH, I am the exact same, I know I am over protective but I think it is justified because of the Doc's autism and his issues with communication. I am already having serious panic attacks about leaving him when I go to China this day ten weeks.
Must be so brilliant to hear Mama.
Great post and one we all can understand, I don't take enough me time although that is changing with the help of the autie mammies nights out, until I started going on those nights out I hadn't realised how badly I needed to let my hair down and have fun for a change, Autism had made me forget I used to have fun once upon a time. You really have to come to one soon:)
I'm not sure I don't have a week where I don't at least THINK this, and I probably say it most week's too come to think of it. Although I try not to say it to the toddler herself, but by God it's hard sometimes! I think all mothers need time away to remember why they wanted to be mothers. You do an amazing job with yours. You describe this need very well too. Staying away just long enough to miss them is good. I am staying at my sister's in a few weeks for her birthday weekend. Can't bloody wait! xx
another brilliant post - I felt like that about Ava for a long long time and even now dropping her off to creche turns my stomach but I know she loves it and now the same with Kai, makes me sick to my stomach to think he can't communicate yet and I'm leaving him:(
Another great post xxx
We all need to get our batteries recharged, it helps us deal with our children and all the unexpected happenings. It's like if we were happy all the time we wouldn't know it, so if we are with our children all the time, we can't miss them. I think it is important particularly if he is very clingy that you make an effort to get out, frequently, that way it becomes more of a norm that you go but you come back. Hopefully it gets easier for you xx
I think we all feel like saying I'm Leaving sometimes! But anxiety disorder happens to me too so I know that would never be the case!!
Lovely post.
CJ xx
I cherish my Thursday mornings my mother takes our lil man for me and lets me out of the mad house for a few hours... I go to WW, meet my friend and also the wonderful Taz for coffee. I wander around the shops, possibly meet someone else for lunch and then go back home. I love to see the little face welcoming me back home. I'm away just long enough for him to miss me and I hear the word's 'Hi ya mammy's'...
Great blog as usual Jen. Keep em comin...
Great post so honest and true x x
Great post!
Beautifully written, So honest and EXACTLY how I feel :)
I think we've all been there. I'm amazed at how well you knew HRH even at 6 months and you just knew he wouldn't settle in a creche - a mother's instinct!
Lovely post to come back to after the weekend :) Always find walking out the door the hardest bit. Keep going back and asking if the babysitter(s) have any questions, and checking the GHD is off and the back door locked and .....
Lovely post. Your cheche experience just goes to show that a mother's instinct is always right.
Glad you manage to get some me time as it's very important but just as important is enjoying returning home.
Your blog is so honest and heartfelt,thank you so much for your honesty and understanding of the needs of your son and your own needs! :)
I threaten quite regularly to leave. Ihave even put my coat on. I don't mean it either. Love the way you approached this.
Thanks for the comments, delighted to see I am not the only one :D Jen.
Great post as always Jen, when I was a stay at home mum, hubby used to walk in from work and I'd be standing in the hall with my coat on, keys and bag in hand.. I'm off (only to Tesco or wherever but the excape was needed !)
aw i so understand...thank you for sharing
Oh god! This sounds way too familiar! I regularly threaten to run away from home and am actually about to embark on trapeze lessons for that day that the circus comes a calling...
Have held off commenting as I am still trying to imagine being apart from them for more than 20 hours..........
I must say, when Bratty did respite weekends I wanted to go and pick her up. But we stopped it for exactly that reason. Quite happy to leave her with Angels, just getting enough of them together is difficult....
And I seem to be able to mind them both myself alone for a week. Whereas someone else can barely manage a night alone. Hummph!
xx
Yes Jen...I remember how hard it was to leave WiiBoy when he was younger. No problems these days...if I only had the places to go to!
I remember him crying after me. And me having to look the front door as I left... he was such a runner.
But for me, thankfully it did get easier. I still threaten to runaway though! Especially at homework time....sigh!
I only have one child but I like your friend's explanation and I've no doubt that it's true. xx Jazzy
I'd say you are doing awesomely! (Not sure that is a word...) I am about to go out of town for a whole week and I am already starting to worry and feel guilty, but your post made me feel better.
hehe i hear you loud and clear, i hate leaving but i love when im gone, then i cant wait to get home again and im ready to run out the door again
we all need that break and were so lucky to get it xx
It's a good thing that you do manage *some* me time, I think it deffo makes us better parents. I love your friend's advice about there always being one who needs you more - that's so true, and not something to feel guilty about. x
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