To a degree I am used to it now, which is why I can laugh. I haven't gotten cross yet so I don't know what I might say, but I will write about it
I was asked a question recently that threw me, I didn't have my automatic response ready to trip off my tongue.
'Will he be cured?'
If you were asked this question would you:
a) explain that your child is not a leg of ham
b) resist doing A and do your best not to do one of those spraying laughs
c) take a diplomatic, mature and reasonable approach by trying to understand where the person is coming from and do your best to reply
A was oh so tempting, but I went with B and C. This is where I need your help because this particular question is one that could make me cross if I get asked too often.
Is there another word that I can use to replace 'cured'? and how does one answer this question anyway??
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26 comments:
Hahaha! You should have gone with A!!! it would have made you feel so much better! My Mother in law asked me the other day if Button will ever "grow out" of autism. All I could say was no. He will improve and develop but he will always have autism. Even when he's running the planet! xx
It's actually infuriates me, Jen, that people's ignorance stretches so far. I have been asked this question too and I just say a very quiet, "no, it is incurable." That usually shuts the person up. Unfortunately, that person doesn't actually understand how ignorant they are. But that's a whole different ball game isn't it.
However, if you will permit me, I can't write about this on my own blog because my sister sometimes reads it and might alert my mum to it too. So here goes: not so long ago, my own mum, yes, she whom I love dearly and would do anything for, said to me, "well you never know, Amy might grow out of it."
You can imagine how I felt. I have given countless pieces of information to my mum of which she doesn't bother to read and thus has no understanding of autism at all. This doesn't make me angry, it makes me sad. I don't know what my mum thinks but she has her own idea of autism. And what I'm getting at is, she isn't of a minority is she. There simply isn't enough awareness in schools, churches, community environments, which is why so many people live in ignorance. Occasionally not their own fault.
Fantastic post. As always.
K xx
I don't think there is a right or wrong answer. I like answer A very much though! X
I like answer A very much too! But seriously I think you do a great job explaining to people who didn't know much about autism (like me) what it is all about. Sadly there will always be people who are just too ignorant to realise that what they say is both misguided, hurtful and well just stupid really. I think it is a universal right of a mother to reply with the most cutting comment one can muster to any child related question be it relating to autism, sleep, food or tantrums. I must say I like CJ's response. That would shut most people up. I love your blog because you write so well, but also you are educating so many people to autism. Long may you continue to do this. x
Hahahaha - It just highlights how little awareness of autism there is out there. I suppose all you can do is try to educate people and hope that those people will have a better understanding, if they still don't well then Answer A is perfectly acceptable x
I guess it depends on how the person asked that question as to how to respond. I think some people just want children to be "well" and "normal" - whatever that may mean. I wouldn't have thought anyone asking that was being mean just that they have no knowledge of autism and hopefully they will take in what you have to say and be more educated in the future.
Oh and for the record I have no first hand (or even second or third hand) experience of autism so I hope you don't mind me commenting on your posts. I just find your blog really interesting and the comments you leave on my blog are always so lovely x
Amen to everyone who answered before me.. :) But I do like answer A.
My personal classic was the relative who considered that 3 of her kids 'probably had autism' because they were a little like Matthew as toddlers but grew out of it when they were older....
@Photopuddle, of course I don't mind you commenting, I am delighted that you take the time to do so, it is very kind of you:) Yes, there are always other signals to read in any situation, I think it might also come down to what kind of humour one is in on the day!! Jen.
I just read A and then did exactly what you tried to stop doing in B... a spraying laugh and theres now tea on my keyboard hahaha... I must remember that line for next time I'm asked lol! xxx
Oh I can understand the need to respond A in these situations. It might be no harm to respond honestly 'I really don't know what to say when I get asked questions like these, it just makes me realise how little awareness and understanding there is in relation to Autism.' You can follow it along by encouraging them to read a website about autism or suggest a book that they could read. That way you are pointing out that a) what thy asked is inappropriate b) it doesn't warrant (or isn't getting) a response!
My child is not a leg of ham???? All theses years I've spent sticking bits of cloves into him for NOTHING!!!! XXX
(p.s love your observations, as ever)
Ha Ha love it! I don't think most of my nearest and dearest believe in aspergers at all, they just think my son's difficult behaviour is due to trauma when he was younger. Oh and that he can be cured by banning TV, computer games and moving to the country where he can run around all day. I just humour them at this stage and swear quietly...
Have to think and hope that comments like 'when will he be cured' are a generational thing! Both my father and mother-in-law are totally of this belief - ie only a matter of time and he will grow out of it!
Having spent four years giving talks about autism and assistance dogs - every time we do an 'active retirement group' - we get the same comments! But we stick with it, because we enjoy (perversely) telling these 'old folks' something more about autism than they previously knew and we are beyond worrying that they may find us a bit 'over the top' with our views on how intellectual disabilities were dealt with by their generation! When we tell them there was just as many autistic people in their 'young' lives but they were locked away, ignored, abused, overly medicated - they look a bit horrified at us but it does get them thinking (well, some of them anyway!)
Enough .... we'll stop there!
haha A is my first choice lol
cured mmmmmmm nope but you could say recovering autiholic lol
but sure jen, dont you know he just needs a good slap, well at least thats my uncles answer to aspergers and my dads, she just needs a good hiding is the response i get to her oddities and meltdowns
My Mam wanted me to bring my son to Knock to have the blessing of the sick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, I said no.
Love the blog
Mossy Mu
hahaha, I LOVE option A!
I usually just answer with : He's not sick, why does he need a cure?
and LOL at the thrice diagnosed comment!
BTW: How do I subscribe to your blog?
fiona2107
Love the triad reference, but you are right, it would most likely be lost on most people. Pity!
Love your retort, A
How about?
What do you mean by cure.
What is normal? Please define.
Your post really hit home. Talking and thinking about recovery. All the time. My conclusion for us is that my son can learn and no one can predict just how much.
I'm sorry that I have no answer but you have answered my 'what to have for lunch?' question!! *runs off to make a ham sandwich!!!
Lol @Emma, glad to be of service:)
Judging by all the comments and what people have experienced I am surprised that I have not come up against this before. I think the biggest surprise of this for me is that this person was younger and involved in childcare so I think I probably expected a bit more. I am glad I didn't go with the smart answer, it popped into my head, but I resisted as she really is a lovely lady and didn't intend any offence.
Most of you are in very difficult situations with peoples ideas of 'being cured', thank you for sharing your experiences, it really will help others to know they are not alone.
Jen
Just tell them you prefer he be bronzed, that way he'll last longer..:) Even though there are many people who really don't know about autism..and I do try to take things like that into account-it is a rude question of anyone to ask anybody.
hey jen,
i love this post! i recently saw a poster which said "he's a child not a diagnosis" it is sooo true. remember there are more ignorant people in the world... just grin and smile, we have had adults as well as children stare at our family with our daughter in a wheelchair for years... i'm starting something new on my site and would love to feature fellow special needs sista's from around bloggysphere write a guest post, would you be interested? drop me a line!
hugs from the states,
shelley :)
You have the best sense of humor!
I haven't come across this one yet, but my mum still says it's something he 'might grow out of' when he's older. She doesn't mean it in a bad way, just wants the best for her grandson, who she absolutely adores!
I think I'd probably say it's not something that can be cured, but it can be controlled, to a certain extent. With the right routines and help, he can be helped to live a full and happy life.
Or something like that...
One thing's clear Jen.....this is a question asked of all of us, so nothing has changed over the years. Just goes to show the lack of awareness but it's just their innocence. In most, but not all cases! If I'm perfectly honest I will admit to asking a similar question myself when taking WiiBoy for diagnosis. We all had our starting points I guess.
Would any of us be "guilty" of asking the same question had Autism not touched (and therefore informed) our lives??? Just a thought.....
Great post!!xx Jazzy
PS I think Tazzy's answer says it all !
Some people just don't know. Even with Autism rates going up and up people still know nothing about it. I don't want to blow up my poor husband, but he had no clue what was going on when my son was diagnosed. For all he knew it could have been an illness you can be cured from.
I would just say, some people think there are things that can be done to improve symptoms and we take part in some of those. Done, plain and simple. I am not about to be doing master classes on Autism.
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