I had one of those lightbulb moments on Saturday, where I realised I treat my two youngest children differently. I am a little disappointed with myself. Let me give you some background to give you an idea of what has happened.
Her Cuteness is now 15 months old. She has this 'hero worship' thing going with HRH who is 16 months older than her. Of course she does, she loves him dearly. She imitates him a lot recently. She points out circles, loves Hula Hoops, grabs the iTouch and runs to hide in the hall to
In the last fortnight I have noticed her getting frustrated more easily. However, when I look into it she actually isn't any more frustrated than she had been previously. She has changed her way of expressing displeasure. She now roars, surprisingly loudly for a petite 15 month old little girl, when she needs my help. When she does this I have been known to say, quite a few times, 'Alright, I'm coming, keep your nappy on!'. Of course I attend to her and resolve the problem, until the next time.
When HRH gets frustrated and roars I use all the tricks I have learned over the last few months. I say 'Wait' and 'Mama help' and I use the 'help' sign, all the time making eye contact and speaking in firm, but soothing, tones. I then resolve the problem, until the next time.
Spot the difference!
There are three of us in the house together all day and I am the only one of us who knows that HRH has autism. This knowledge does not mean I should treat them differently. Her Cuteness should be treated exactly the same way HRH is when it comes to responding to their requests/demands.
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23 comments:
What a great post!
Thanks for opening my eyes to something that I realised that I also do.
Hmmmmm, food for thought!
Hmm, I'm bad for this too... thanks for the eye opener sweety! xx
I love the 'keep your nappy on' comment. Well HRH is just 15 months she is just entering the terrible 2 phase (with Liam it started at 16 months) and she will learn how to get your attention in many ways yet! She will scream, throw herself on the floor, take off her clothes and her nappy, lie on the floor kicking and screaming and I am sure there will be other tricks up her sleeve. I think we all treat the first one differently to the second as we are more used of talking/communicating with them. It's worth keeping an eye on it and being aware. Some kids need more loving than others :-)
I agree with this and can find myself at fault of this also! I always try to remember that they are different people and have very different needs, and that makes me feel better.
I've been aware that I do treat them differently for some time because my neuro-typical daughter is 10, so tells me everything I do wrong! But even when I am aware it is hard when you have to make so much extra effort with one of them not to want to cut corners with the other from time to time!
oooh what a tough one for you. LOL at 'keep your nappy on'! But yes I can see how you would treat them differently, but in fact much of the way you speak to HRH would probably be perfect for a 15 month old who is getting frustrated at not being able to tell you what she wants. So many tantrums are borne of frustration aren't they? x
I have an 18 year age gap between my two, and I know that I often go on too much about my eldest (28 and about to get married!!) as has always been a ray of sunshine and no trouble at and I find myself saying to my youngest (opinionated 10 year old girl!) 'your brother would never have said/done that' - I realise I've done it, and feel awful after. She knows I love her to bits, but i can see that, standing back, she may well think that i love him more. I'm working on that big time! Thanks for calling into my blog - I'll follow you and call back!
This is a difficult one - love lightbulb moments!
Don't be so hard on yourself. I can see why you would want to change this situation so go ahead, but if it has been going on for only 2 weeks then it won't be hard to mend. Good reminder for the rest of us to take a look at what we are doing too.
cool observation. It sounds like the techniques you use with HRH will be very helpful for your daughter too, and in the long run it is probably easier to treat them all similarly!
I often think the tools that are taught for dealing with autism are useful for all children, since all toddlers struggle somewhat with communicating to us grown ups. Though of course they are not essential for an average child.
I try not to favor my kids too, but it can be hard, I always assume the older has hit the younger when a war breaks out but I may be being unfair. Sigh!
I love the 'keep your nappy on' lol
What an interesting and insightful post. And very true xx
I get tied in knots over this, with one NT 17 year old, one with AS and one with CP, and I definitely treat them differently, and I don't know how to get round it! I think the idea of treating all children using techniques developed for kids with autism is interesting and could really help :) Great post xx
Ouch..
I do this all the time. I put my older ones on hold. Somehow in the believe that they will be allright with less attention For they will develop on their own without me watching every move with a magnifying glass. But it is still not fair.
Yet another thing to work on I guess.
i love reading your blog - a real perspective of family life
I am relieved to hear it is not just me. I suppose it is hard to know something until you experience it and I am happy to have spotted it.
@borgerour, yes, ouch!
@Geekymummy, ItsaMummysLife & Blue Sky, yes and that is how we will be trying it around here from now on.
@MagicMummy, Diney, Hayley & Mystic Sprout,Fiona, Marylin, IrishMammy, Fran thanks:)
@Sandrine, you know you are right, we only have limited supply of energy, at least I do and I get very tired sometimes and yes, I cut corners!
@TheHenrys, that is a fair point too, each child has their own personality and that has to be taken into account also:)
Thanks for the comments, appreciate them:)
Jen
This is a tricky one.
I honestly think it's nigh on impossible not to treat your kids differently (whether they're special needs or nt), purely because they're different people.
For example, I discipline my 2 nt kids in entirely different ways...I take the xBox off Toad #1 (would have zero effect on Toad #2) and I just verbally tell Toad #2 off (really works with her, but would have no effect al all on Toad #1).
I guess you're more aware of how how respond to your kids wanting attention? Again I think you have to tailor it to the individual child (this is different to favouritism).
I'm sure I've been as clear as mud, but this post has really given me food for thought.
XXX
Lightbulb moment or not, it seems that there are a lot of us guilty of doing exactly the same, myself included.
I think it could be hard to treat your children exactly the same way all the time, after all, they have different personalities so may warrant different attitudes from parents. I only have one child as you know, so I've never experienced the lightbulb moments!
I have one child who is convinced that I do not love her as much as I do her elder sister. I made this mistake and never saw myself doing it. It will take me a long time to fix.
I agree with jean, it is hard not to treat them differently as so much comes down to personality, but yeah, I can see that this is tricky for you too.
Once again, our kids are too alike! Xavier is getting so frustrated lately! He screeches in a high pitched wail and starts throwing things. The difference is that I end up just yelling at both of them, lol. So yea for me for treating them the same, but boo for not being patient and gentle like you.
i think our kids learn to play us far quicker than we learn to play them! don't be hard on yourself, sometimes we do what we do for an easy life! nice blog! x
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