I am a redhead. That was my 'difference' when I was growing up. Red hair was not fashionable 30 years ago and I was called a lot of names. I also always got into trouble because if there was anything going on and I happened to be in the vicinity people always recalled there was a redhead there. So yeah, I stood out, a lot! Rewind to not long before I was born and you would hear such gems as 'beat him as you would a redheaded stepchild'.Charming and all because of a double recessive gene that nobody has control over!
These days red hair is fashionable and my son has never been called names. Once I heard a much older child call him 'Little Ginger' though it seemed to me to be affectionate. I asked Firstborn, later on, if he minded and he said no, the child wasn't being mean. Firstborn also wears glasses and has never been called names for that either. That would have been a goldmine for the bullies when I was young. Firstborn doesn't mind at all that he has red hair or wears glasses, which is good. It shows how much things have changed since I was a child.
There is a reason I am telling you this. I have another child who is 'different'. He has autism. To me HRH is just HRH, but as he gets older he may have to deal a lot worse than I did. I hope not, but it is a possibility. Everybody we know, every single person, knows that HRH has autism. We don't hide it, we are not ashamed in the slightest, quite the opposite, we celebrate him. He is just the most fabulous child. I won't go on a motherly gush on you, don't worry. I am telling you all of this for a reason though, bear with me.
I read this quote over at the lovely Kims' blog, in this post, yesterday. Kim had quoted it herself, it is not her opinion:
"To me anyone not fighting to recover their child might as well push them off a bridge...I am sick to death of excusing those of you who have put your brain injured child in your closet saying there is nothing you can do about it, its just the way things are."
Rant alert!
This p*ssed me off, a LOT! For so many reasons. I hate the bridge reference, really, I am speechless about it. I hate the implication that autism is an injury and something to be mourned or fixed. I can see the pain the parent feels, but also I see non acceptance of their child and his 'difference'. How can any child flourish if they aren't unconditionally loved and accepted by their parents?
It is up to us to raise awareness of autism and encourage acceptance in our world. With approx 1 in 110 (the popular statistic) of children being diagnosed with an Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD) we have a lot of work to do to ensure acceptance in our childrens future.
The buck stops with me, you, and you, and you........................
*The introduction using red hair is intended to highlight how society can change in attitude over the years, it is not intended as an actual comparison to autism.
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23 comments:
I couldn't agree with you more. My son is not in any closet! I get him help for the areas he needs because I want him to have the best oppurtunities and be able to relate to the outside world, but I also celebrate the great things that are different about him. He is bright, determined, strong-willed and focused; and to not celebrate these qualities that make him different from other children his age is to not celebrate who he is. It is unfortunate that people think this way. Great read! :-)
My boy is both a red head and autistic. He is also the happiest person I have ever met. (98.9% if the time). Just as I wouldn't dye his hair, I wouldn't want to change him from this happy little person that he is. We do all the things necessary so that he may be able to get along in the world, but just because I don't spend every moment and every penny I have seeking a cure, it is certainly not like I am throwing him off a bridge.
@ Big Daddy Autism I couldn't have said it better myself.
I have no time for those zealots. No one should be passing judgment on what anyone else is doing. We are all doing the best that we can and not everyone has the money or inclination to pursue every intervention that's out there. As it happens, we have tried nearly everything known to man (not my choice, but that's another story) and unbelievably, my daughter remains "unrecovered". Whoever wrote that is a sanctimonious asshole.
That is a horrible blame game you quoted there.
I wiah I had the words, I am so angrey right now. I hate the fact that people feel that Autism is domething that can be cured, just as people behave that gays can be cured too and that Mental illness doesnt exsist.
The world is full of bigots, which make living so much harder
@SDonovan, I absolutely agree.
@BigDaddy, yay redheads:) Yep, the bridge thing really annoyed me.
@Lynn, yes, he or she is, but imagine a parent having that attitude towards their own child. It just doesn't bear thinking about!
@Borgerour, hard to believe that someone would say that..........
@TheMadHouse, yes, it is not just autism the bigots go for. I really wonder what kind of a world we live in sometimes, whatever happened to 'live and let live'!
We have our work cut out for us, as do our children. I really hope that person is in the minority, possibly is? Definitely is if your comments are anything to go by.
Jen
Jen,
I love that you used acceptance here rather than tolerance, as many people write that we should work to foster tolerance, which to me has always meant 'to put up with.'
Kathleen and I are big believers in the As: acceptance, accommodation, appreciation, and action. We've so much work to do to make the world a better, safer place for all our children, and it's sad to realize that some of that work has to be directed at parents themselves.
Anger is an important component towards action, but I think it has to be tempered with compassion. I think that's hard to do, but perhaps, perhaps the folks who come out of left field, who write such horrendous things, are hurting in ways they (and we) can't fathom. Perhaps they're asses, instead. It's a hard call, and it's possible they are both.
We have to work together; you're absolutely right that the buck stops with each of us. Together, our actions will redefine the world our children find themselves in. :-)
I could not agree more with everything you said here.
It makes me so sad to hear of organizations that are exploiting the fears of parents who learn their child has autism. They talk of wanting to cure, to recover, and to unlock the child from the shell they are trapped inside.
Me, I prefer to do as you have and celebrate my child for their uniquely differing abilities and to take each development in stride.
Hear hear Jen!
I love redheads (which is handy as I married one) and I think that autie people are probably the coolest damn people on this earth (with the exception of Samuel L. Jackson, maybe).
Excellent rant. Shout it from the rooftops!!!
XXX
Wonderful post and I agree completely. I do not want to cure my son. I sometimes wish I could understand him better, but a cure? NO!!! He is who he is and I love him for that. This kind of thing makes me angry as well. Hopefully with time people will learn to aaccept. Hopefully they will learn not to judge and that we are all different. With every diagnosis comes a process of grief, denial and acceptance. In order to get through it we each had to take a path. Hopefully the mother who wrote this quote will find the path as well. It is the path of acceptance. We all together will redefine the world. Lots of Love from me to all the other Moms, Dads and families out there.
Unfortunately I don't think that mother (somehow I don't think it is a father) will find the path of acceptance. I like to indulge in my own prejudices, and picture her as someone who always thought her way of life is the only valid one, her values and beliefs are the only correct ones, and her children are going to grow up to be exactly like her. And then, one of them gets a diagnosis. And the poor child is "cured" without mercy - I've read such horror stories that one wonders where the social services are when you need them.
First of all Griffin gives me unconditional love and it just wouldn't be right for me to not return that to him....would it? I accept him for who he is and love and accept every single facet of his being. Autism is a part of who he is and even if there was a cure I frankly wouldn't take advantage of it because I think that if he had a choice that he wouldn't want it either. It is a shame when parents cannot accept their child for who he/she is, I imagine that it would be terrible for that child to grow up thinking something is wrong with him/her.
Just spent an hour (well past my bedtime) reading the original discussion there the "quote" came from. It is a father! Feel quite the bigot myself now :-0
That is one extreme viewpoint, Jen,my instinct is that that person is in denial themself. I really hope we can all reach out and make some difference to how the world percieves the autism child.
Me, I worry more for the future of my son, when I am not there to interject and battle for him, I just hope the world becomes a more tolerant place.
Autism does not equal brain injury!
I am stunned at that comparison, yes the medical and support services for dealing with both have some over lap but my son and his non neurotypical brain are not damaged, just different.
@Kim, well said and I don't think acceptance is too much to ask for. It is very different to tolerance.
@Sunday, it is very easy to get sucked into the whole cure thing at the beginning, when one has little knowledge and is very scared. Thankfully it didn't happen us but once in it must be hard to get out of that mindset.
@Jean, so to sum up, redheads, auties and Samuel L Jackson rock :D I can live with that very easily lol
@4timeblessed, totally agree. Being autistic makes my child who he is, which is rather fabulous even if I do say so myself:)
Thanks for commenting:)
Jen
@Truf, funny, I assumed it was a man, probably because of the agression in the statement. I shouldn't have assumed though.
@Lora, that bit worries me, a child growing up in that environment and thinking they are 'less than' and need fixing. That must be awful for any child.
@Brigid, pretty extreme denial, scary too!
@Thaedydl, yes the 'damaged' reference is bad alright. Also very insulting to those who have suffered a brain injury who need help and therapy. Someone with a brain injury is not 'less than' either.
Thanks for taking the time to comment.
Jen
With you all the way! And you look adorable in that picture :)
Great post Jen and excellently put. I totally concur.
I do not agree with comments like that "recovery" one.
I believe , like you say, that our children should be cherished and accepted and that we should raise awareness.
We do not "recover" but, in my opinion, we do get every damned intervention we can to make our kids journey through life easier and to help them reach THEIR potential.
xx Jazzy
You were one cute redhead! I stay away from the 'recovery brigade' waste of time, energy and money. Pity they don't listen to sense!
I agree with Jazzy, that our children should get all the help they need so they can reach their potential. If like Smiley, that means they remain very dependent, then they still deserve a fulfilling life as much as anyone else xx
I love this post. And I love the comments even more. When I was reading the quote I wasn't sure where you were going with it, whether you liked it or not, and I started thinking in my head, oh my, do I put my kid in the closet? I don't do everything possible, just what I feel is right in my gut. Phew. Glad to see your opinion, the other comments, and mine are all in sync.
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Lovely to hear from you.