Sunday over at Adventures in Xtreme Parenthood is hosting the 'Different but not less' bloghop today, to share tips on how we all managed over the Christmas period.
Christmas went very well for us, much better than I had expected. This is our second Christmas with HRH diagnosed with autism and last year was very unsettled for all of us. As always, we were in our own home on the big day, we do not travel on Christmas day, ever! The present opening went well with HRH showing some interest in the 'new' things although he didn't stray very far from my side.
The big difficulty for us comes on St. Stephens day when all of my husbands family meet at his parents house. There are 11 grandchildren who are all brilliant, lovely children and get very excited to meet each other. As you can imagine it gets loud, very loud. This is the perfect 'meltdown' setup for HRH, he can't cope. Therefore I can't cope and, because I like to share, my husband also gets stressed. This year we were snowed in and couldn't go, the roads were just too unsafe to risk it. I missed seeing the other children and I missed the fun, but a big part of me is very relieved at the same time.
I feel very guilty about being relieved. My husbands parents are the best, they love HRH very much, as they do all of my children. They are genuinely interested in HRH and his autism and they listen when we explain things to them. I mean really listen, not just pretend to listen.
At times I find it hard to balance everyones needs and expectations. My husbands family love the gettogether and it is great fun. But HRH has autism and SPD and finds this kind of situation hard. For the most part I have reached the stage whereby HRH comes first because ultimately this is what benefits my family unit. I don't know if other people understand this though and it is something that I need to work on during the coming year.
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25 comments:
I remember the first Christmas that we tried to do all the same things we used to do before our son(s) were diagnosed. Needless to say it was a DISASTER!
Thankfully we have all learned that lesson and done what is best for our families and in the process made it equally as special.
I feel guilty too sometimes when I'm relieved when we can't do something that causes me stress. But like you said, our immediate family and needs have to come first.
I wish you a very happy new year filled with love and happiness.
Sounds like Christmas went really well, I'm glad!
Happy New Year sweety! xx
I echo your sentiments Jen. Although we are not lucky to have a lot of children/cousins in the family, just the hectic schedule and expectations are enough to spark a meltdown and total emotional dysregulation. That affects EVERYONE, not just my son.
So I've taken the same perspective as you mentioned...putting the needs of my kiddo (and thus, our family) first. My husband and I are remarking this year on how we are so glad we did!
It's always a balancing act. Seems to me you've been doing just fine. It does, however, get easier.
Don't feel guilty--you had the perfect out! Yay!
Oh Jen you have no idea how much I understand how you feel. When weather or other unexpected matters scupper organised plans, the relief I feel is overwhelming but I can't write those things on my blog because all my family read it. Please don't feel guilty, I think the wonderful comments here just go to show, we are all in the same boat. Happy New Year to you all my love, Alex (allforaleyna) xxx
Oh, I hear you on the guilt. I have to put my kids first though, because if they aren't happy, they will let everybody know. Their welfare is more important, after all. At least matters were out of your control this time, the perfect excuse!
@Sunday, yes and we had a lovely Christmas, no stress at all so I know we did the right thing.
@Alysia, phew, glad it isn't just me and, being reasonable, I know that this guilt is a waste of time. Guess with more experience I will get used to it?
@Marylin, yes it did, thanks :)
@Chris, yes it effects everyone, not just the child having the meltdown or difficulties. Glad to hear things went well for you :)
@BigDaddy, thanks, I needed to hear both the things you said!
@PixiesMum, ahhh, big hugs. I get that and I have to admit my finger did hover over the publish button. But I haven't said anything wrong or bad, just how I feel and that is what I would like to see when reading someones blog. Honesty isn't always palatable but it is for the best in the long run, imo. I hope you can find a way to make it work for you.
@SpectrummyMummy, yes, and it was an acceptable excuse too and no questions asked, easier than trying to explain and maybe hurt those that I don't want to hurt.
Thanks for commenting and I know I got a bit off tangent with the post but that is what ended up coming out! All the best in 2011 to you all :)
Jen
Know the feeling all too well. We have 22 young children at my inlaws and it can be meltdown central! I do be like a madwoman trying to keep him calm and happy. S.T.R.E.S.S. (''.)
It does sound as if your Christmas was lovely..I think that the weather was your friend this year..I wouldn't feel guilt at your relief..not at all. Your in laws sound wonderful and understanding..I bet you that if they read this-they would be totally understanding and perhaps you could all figure out how to make next year easy..:) Happy new year!!
It sounds like you had a lovely Christmas Jen :) I think every parent with kids with special needs finds that Christmas and other days are difficult or have to handled carefully. I am shattered every year as my as pie boy wakes earlier and earlier, then spend the whole day apologising for taking ages to get Smilry ready and then scraping her wheelchair off door frames. So it's really great that I don't have to cook the dinner.....
Thankfully we don't have a large family, so we just end up hosting holidays bc it just turns out so much better. It's good to make sure you actually enjoy the holiday and that you know everyone's limits. Try not to feel bad!
Sounds like you had a nice holiday. Try not to feel guilty. Sometimes things work out to your advantage. Happy New Year
It seems that you were MEANT to stay home and relax.....life has a funny way of doing that for us when we least expect it!
After 9 years of trying to please relations and do visits to family - we now stay at home at Christmas! We made that decision three years ago and we have never looked back since. My husband's family are huge - lots of grandkids expected to get together on Christmas Day and the following days at various relations and for years we tried but Murray absolultely hated it and really struggled. Now, we just don't do it and we're all a lot more happier. We call out to various houses days later when all the excitment has died down but we don't do big family gatherings anymore! Do the family understand, we would like to say yes, but no, they still don't get it!
The snow this year was an extra blessing!
Happy New Year to you and all the family,
Fiona
Sounds like a lovely Christmas
Dont feel guilty at all - also one thing that heppned to us is that R gradually got desensitised to a lot of things that used to bother him a lot
no dooubt in a few years HRH will be able to tolerate and even enjoy a lot more
Until then - dont feel guilty( though I know what you mean )
@Lifeasweknowit, aaaargh 22! Ok, that is a LOT more!!
@Kathleen, yes it did turn out lovely and very happy with our few days together :)
@BlueSky, yes and it is also something we have to get used to. That was just our second Christmas so a few more and we will be old hands:)
@Jen, yeah, hosting works better for us because then HRH can go to his quiet room if he needs to, might try that as an alterntive next year!
@Mamafog, hehehe, yes, they do :D
@Fiona, point taken because it went really well here at home :)
@Clive, yes this seems to be the common thread running through the comments and I do feel now that it isn't just me being melodramatic!!
@KFloortime, yes, I have a whole year now to practice!
Thanks for the feedback, appreciate it :)
Jen
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow! I love it when I don't have to make up excuses :)
One day you and HRH will conquer that get-together and it will be all the sweeter. When was St. Stephen's Day...was it like a fortnight ago?
I understand your guilt completely, but I've learned over the years that relief trumps guilt.
Happy New Year to you and may your guilt be eased and relief and ease be yours --
I'm a little late to the post, but that's something the hubs and I talk about a lot. His mom talks about how J rules our family. I think it's perspective. He's a part of our family, his needs just as important as another's however, with his needs, they impact all of us so profoundly, that helping him helps us. That's not ruling...that's managing. (Don't like that 'ruling' perspective of hers.)
We make our visits as short as an hour and no longer than 3. 3 hours is if things are going well. My family understands, his...a little less understanding just have no choice but to accept that this is how our family works. The hardest part is with the part of the family that just don't 'get it'.
You're lucky to have such understanding family.
Last year was rough, but as others have said, it does get easier. Well, at least for us it did. All of our Autism kids are different so I can't promise that. But we did so well this year. BUT, we do things differently, as you said. We do NOT travel. Not just for the holidays, but in general. That is just something we can't do. And like you, I love my MIL, but with her comes other family I can't do well with. There is always a cost isn't there?
I wouldnt feel too guilty, like you said HRH comes first and it wasn't as if you purposely missed it, fate lent a hand to help with the stress of it all and you ended up having a lovely, stress free christmas, glad you enjoyed it
It's really tough trying to please everyone...well, it just can't be done. We go by the rule of thumb that if our autie dude is happy, then our family is happy, so if a situation will be stressful one of us will stay at home with him. Most people understand, and if they don't, well that's their problem.
XXX
We were supposed to spend Christmas with my in-laws but also got snowed in (which was good since we have our own little traditions at this stage and we can't keep them in somebody else's house). So we went down for a few days around the New year - just us and my elderly parents-in-law, who don't know M is on the spectrum! Seriously! They take him as he is, with his "little ways", and accept him unconditionally - and he responds by having conversations with them or just sitting with them and playing quietly while they do the crossword. When listening to my father-in-law (with dementia) talking with my son (with mild ASD) I often think normality is highly overrated.
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